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The last three weeks have been crazy! They\u2019ve not only been the darkest and loneliest weeks of my life but also the most powerful and \u00a0impactful time of my life.\u00a0 I know that\u2019s contradictory.\u00a0 The whole journey has been a picture of contradiction.\u00a0 Death and life.\u00a0 Faith and fear. Solitude and support. Waiting and fighting.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know how to explain it and I\u2019m not sure I will be able to organize it all into anything understandable but I\u2019d love to\u2026 simply for selfish reasons. I process through writing and I haven\u2019t even begun to process what we\u2019ve been through.<\/p>\n
I just can\u2019t seem to find a place to start.\u00a0 What I can say is that worship got me through every moment of this trial. When I had no faith, no more tears, no answer, nothing I could do\u2026God deserved my worship and it gave me a focus that was larger than Steve and I. When I couldn\u2019t pray anymore or didn\u2019t know what to pray, certain songs became the cry of my heart in a way that words, alone, couldn’t. \u00a0I know that I\u2019ll never hear certain songs without having a powerful memory of where I was and what I was praying while listening to them. The color of the bedspread in the hotel room.\u00a0 The smell of the soup sitting on the table that the hotel staff brought me because I wasn\u2019t eating. The sound of the rain at 3 am outside my window as I paced the floor praying and crying and worshiping. God started preparing these songs for me back in February.\u00a0 I\u2019d originally started the playlist, “I Have To Believe”<\/a>, as an encouragement to myself as I walked through a difficult time but they suddenly, and very clearly, became anthems of strength, faith and hope directly pointed towards this trial that I could never have imagined we would walk through.\u00a0 God not only used them to focus my heart on Him in worship, He spoke promises and truth to me, challenged the depth of my faith and breathed hope into my soul through them.\u00a0 And honestly\u2026I think they flowed from my hotel room into Steve\u2019s hospital room and brought God\u2019s presence into that place.\u00a0 Not that the songs are miraculous but the prayers of God\u2019s people are. So many were agreeing with the truths in these songs and I believe we entered Steve\u2019s room through the spiritual realm and lifted him up to our Father. I don\u2019t mean to sound \u201cweird\u201d but I know that God knew how hard it was not to see my husband for 5 days as they told me he was dying.\u00a0 I believe He is big enough to somehow allow many of us to enter that room, place our hands on Steve’s body, plead for God\u2019s healing and intercede more passionately than many of us ever have before.\u00a0 These songs transported me to that place.\u00a0 They allowed me to find the warrior in my trembling heart and to fight.\u00a0 Fiercely! From miles away.<\/p>\n They changed me.\u00a0 This journey has changed me.\u00a0 And I hope I\u2019ll never be the same.<\/p>\n