I can\u2019t sleep.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m not sure if it\u2019s because I\u2019ve become accustomed to little sleep over the last 4 weeks or if it\u2019s something else.<\/p>\n
I grab my headphones and turn on some worship music as I lie in the dark.\u00a0 Surely I\u2019ll fade into rest soon enough.<\/p>\n
But I don\u2019t.<\/p>\n
There hasn\u2019t been a \u201cmeltdown\u201d as of yet.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been told to expect it but I\u2019ve only had a few minutes of crying while driving alone here and there.\u00a0 It feels good- like a valve opening up to release hundreds of pent up feelings. For a woman who is intimately familiar with all kinds of emotions, it seems strange that I can\u2019t even put a name to this.\u00a0 It\u2019s just the overflow of so much.<\/p>\n
So much fear. So much loneliness. So much exhaustion. So much uncertainty. So much waiting. So much helplessness\u2026.<\/p>\n
But not only that.\u00a0 There\u2019s something else that seems to overshadow all of it.<\/p>\n
So much gratitude.\u00a0 So much hope that I won\u2019t be the same.\u00a0 That none of us will forget what we’ve seen.\u00a0 So much expectation of what the Spirit can do, can speak, can teach, can show, can change.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve changed.\u00a0 So many of us have changed.<\/p>\n
We\u2019ve seen God walk into a \u201croom\u201d.\u00a0 We\u2019ve seen Him move.\u00a0 It\u2019s changed what I want.\u00a0 What I want to seek. What I want to see in this world.\u00a0 What I want to see in the lives of those around me.\u00a0 It\u2019s made me fall on my knees – literally and figuratively.<\/p>\n
At this very moment, it\u2019s left me in tears.\u00a0 Tears that flow from a hundred different places but that seem to cleanse my soul. Not sobbing tears.\u00a0 Not uncontrollable \u201clet\u2019s confront what we just lived through\u201d tears.\u00a0 Those may come, but these are tears of submission to my God and to whatever He needs to do in my heart.\u00a0 Tears of love.\u00a0 Tears of joy at the miracle I\u2019ve seen.\u00a0 Tears of expectation and desire to see more of who He is. Tears of certainty that He has gone before me into an uncertain future.\u00a0 His timing is perfect.\u00a0 His plan is waiting and He will walk through it all with me.\u00a0 Heck, He will carry me if need be.<\/p>\n
So I\u2019m sharing this song.\u00a0 It\u2019s followed me for weeks (as have so many others).\u00a0 Tonight, I\u2019m returning to bed, playing it on repeat and falling asleep with the prayer that I\u2019ll live the rest of my life wanting nothing more than to hear His voice, to obey it and to see Him do the things that only He can do.<\/p>\n
To be a part of that is priceless.<\/p>\n