I was at Starbucks for 2 hours today trying to make progress on this book we\u2019re writing.<\/p>
That didn\u2019t happen.<\/p>
Instead, I spent an hour talking to a young man about college, how tired he was, trying to encourage him and another hour trying to get my computer to work.<\/p>
Because I’d lost all focus, I went to workout but ran into another friend and spent much of that hour talking about God and bathroom remodels.<\/p>
So, I came home to paint my living room so I felt like something had been accomplished. Instead\u2026.<\/p>
I received an excited phone call from one daughter because she’d made a new friend at a coffee shop as they talked about relationships, God, church, faith, family and her photography business\u2026<\/p>
a text from another daughter that she needed prayer because a good friend was FINALLY asking her about Jesus\u2026<\/p>
and another text from the third daughter that was in an equally deep conversation about God\u2019s help in \u00a0marriage\u2026.<\/p>
I turned down the music and prayed for all of them.<\/p>
I started painting again, but when I turned the music back up, the song playing stopped me in my tracks.<\/p>
Within a few notes \u00a0God transported me back 9 years and reminded me of what I was thinking at the time. He then reminded me of everything that played out since then and wrapped it all up with a few words that left me stunned.<\/p>
\u201cLove Came Down\u201d was playing and I haven\u2019t heard it in forever. In fact, the last time I remember singing it was one of the last times I ever led worship. With sincerity and desperation I sang it with the cry that it would be true. Letting go of my role was hard but I wanted to worship Him for the entirety of my life, even if I couldn’t sing. \u00a0<\/p>
I sang it again today.<\/p>
\u201cIf my heart is overwhelmed and I cannot hear Your voice<\/em>I’ll hold on to what is true though I cannot see<\/em>If the storms of life they come and the road ahead gets steep<\/em>I will lift these hands in faith<\/em>I will believe.<\/em><\/p> I remind myself of all that You’ve done<\/em>And the life I have because of Your Son<\/em><\/p> Love came down and rescued me<\/em>Love came down and set me free<\/em>I am Yours I am forever Yours<\/em>Mountain high or valley low<\/em>I sing out and remind my soul\u00a0<\/em>That I am Yours I am forever Yours\u201d<\/em><\/p> Nine years ago I stopped leading worship due to nodules on my vocal chords and it was a grief to my soul.<\/p> My mother-in-law had just died.<\/p> My husband was hurting.<\/p> Leading the church was a struggle.<\/p> We had lost friendships.<\/p> My kids were beginning to move out and I was lost, sad, and confused.<\/p> But, I wanted my heart to belong to God forever.\u00a0 No matter what! It was a hard season but I was bound and determined to pursue Him, worship Him, love Him and serve Him until my last breath. I was going to live a life that pleased Him, and I meant it. I wanted it!<\/p> The problem is – I\u2019m not God.<\/p> I\u2019m human and broken and weak.\u00a0 I had hurts in my heart that I\u2019d covered up so well that I didn\u2019t even know they existed. Not only that, the next few years would pile on more hurt and pain.\u00a0 Nothing like many people experience but enough to cause my brokenness to surface.\u00a0 It became harder to hide and, eventually, impossible.<\/p> My insecurities were magnified in the face of uncertainty and shifting seasons of life, \u00a0Steve and I struggled to find our way in a new ministry and communicate and my kids were struggling as well. Intercession was the cry of my heart and I prayed for others a lot.\u00a0<\/p> But I failed to give Holy Spirit time to search and heal my own heart. I failed to ask Him why I was so lonely, sad and unfulfilled. Instead, I thought I shouldn\u2019t feel that way and pressed on, ignoring danger signs and asking forgiveness each time I reacted with hurtful words, actions and attitudes . Ignoring and trying to \u201cfix\u201d the difficulties in my life on my own and with my own strength was failing me. While trying to bolster everyone else, I found myself \u00a0in the middle of the ocean \u00a0in a tiny \u00a0boat \u2013 all alone.<\/p> I wasn\u2019t trying to be inauthentic but I was blind to the importance and need to allow God access to my own pain leading to a private bondage of fear, selfishness and pride.\u00a0 I could do it! I could fix it! I could have enough faith to serve and glorify God till my dying breath! That\u2019s who I was.\u00a0 A Christian. A pastor\u2019s daughter and a pastor\u2019s wife. I didn\u2019t want to let anyone down.<\/p> But the truth was, I was in need of a Savior.\u00a0<\/p> I\u2019m sitting here in my living room with paint cans on the floor waiting for me to finish what I started and all I can do is sit in awe at the faithfulness of God to finish everything He starts.<\/p> The truth is, I can\u2019t do anything on my own.\u00a0 I can\u2019t heal my kids\u2019 heartaches. I can’t fix the hurt of those I love. I can’t even fix my own pain. But, I can fall on Christ and his finished as he reminds me over and over how valuable, loved and forgiven I am. \u00a0I\u2019m not in control. But I am held.\u00a0<\/p> I sit here remembering those years and the fact that I most certainly made the next few years harder for myself than they had to be by striving instead of resting in His love.<\/p> Resting in God\u2019s faithfulness is the \u201ceasy yoke\u201d. Striving in my own abilities is what leaves me \u201cweary and heavy laden\u201d. \u00a0Navigating everything in my own strength left me exhausted, lonely and surrounded by more fallout than I wanted to admit. If I ever forget that God can do above and beyond what I think or imagine while miraculously healing the messes that I can create – I hope he lovingly reminds me of today.<\/p> I came face to face with His goodness and faithfulness as I realized what He had done. \u00a0With no help from me.\u00a0 In fact,\u00a0in spite of me<\/strong>. I realized that I\u2019d given up \u201ctrying.” He had orchestrated my total surrender so that He could move. He left me with no other desire but to seek His face, trust Him and believe that He wouldn\u2019t leave or abandon me. Ever!<\/p> Today He had me look up and see what that trust and dependence had allowed Him to do.<\/p> You may be asking what words left me in tears.<\/p> Simply this\u2026God can and God does.<\/p> The question of what he can do or does do may depend on our need.<\/p> God can and does move in the areas of our lives that are broken.\u00a0 He can and does pursue hearts even when we try to do it alone. \u00a0He can and does save souls.<\/p> He can and does heal.<\/p> He can and does forgive.<\/p> He can and does pursue.<\/p> He can and does lead.<\/p> He can and does restore.<\/p> He can and does bless.<\/p> He can and does strengthen.<\/p> He can and does speak.<\/p> He does it all and always has. \u00a0My efforts amount to nothing.<\/p> My desire to serve and love Him till my last breath comes from Him. \u00a0The security of being His until my last breath, being held and kept, that\u2019s done by Him as well. \u00a0Not by my determination. \u00a0Trying to prove myself or ignore my need simply exhausts me and keeps me from the very relationship that I\u2019m meant to have with Him.<\/p> He is so, so good. \u00a0Overwhelmingly good.\u00a0Life isn\u2019t always easy but God is always good and faithful.<\/p> \u00a0He has moved in my life in more ways than I can say. Even now, there are places in my heart that are broken and messed up but He is slowly showing me what they are and how to leave them in his healing hands.\u00a0 My husband is a miracle walking and is getting stronger every day. \u00a0Our relationship is stronger and more exciting than ever. \u00a0All of my daughters have found their own faith, healing, purpose and joy and continue to walk through the good and bad of life with more wisdom than I ever had at their ages. The way they glorify God sends me to my knees with thanksgiving. \u00a0<\/p> He does it all.<\/p> He pursues. He heals. He wipes away shame and breathes hope into the discouraged.\u00a0He makes wrong things right and he turns sorrow into joy.<\/p> In all of my conversations today I realized something.\u00a0 God cares and He sees.\u00a0 He has always been at work and moving in my life and is in yours as well.\u00a0 Even when we don\u2019t see it.\u00a0More incredible than that, He has saved us!<\/p> When life falls apart and we don\u2019t see where He is, God is holding fast.\u00a0 He won\u2019t let go even when we feel like we\u2019ve let go. And, he never will.<\/p> We are loved, we are held and we are His. He has done it all and He will do it all.<\/p> There is so much more freedom, joy and peace available to us as God\u2019s children if we will simply remind ourselves of His goodness and power, submit to His control over our lives, seek Him \u00a0as best as we can, trust Him and rest in His love.<\/p> Stop striving.<\/p> After all, it\u2019s all because of Jesus and because the Father loves us. Give Him everything you have been carrying today and know that He cares, He sees, He can and He does.<\/p> \u201cMountain high or valley lowI sing out and remind my soulThat I am Yours I am forever Yours\u201d<\/p><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I was at Starbucks for 2 hours today trying to make progress on this book we\u2019re writing. That didn\u2019t happen. Instead, I spent an hour talking to a young man about college, how tired he was, trying to encourage him and another hour trying to get my computer to work. Because I’d lost all focus, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":1130,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2,3],"tags":[182,217,232,240,258,274,275,357,454,455,466,515,551,583,594,757],"class_list":["post-1129","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-faith","category-family","tag-faith","tag-forgiveness","tag-god","tag-grace","tag-healed","tag-hope","tag-hopeless","tag-mercy","tag-redeemed","tag-redemption","tag-rest","tag-sin","tag-striving","tag-tired","tag-trust","tag-works"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/karenlawson.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1129","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/karenlawson.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/karenlawson.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/karenlawson.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/karenlawson.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1129"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/karenlawson.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1129\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/karenlawson.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/1130"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/karenlawson.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1129"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/karenlawson.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1129"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/karenlawson.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1129"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}