CHOSEN

Someone asked me a question today. Where is Jesus when you pray?

A simple question but one that could have multiple layers to the answer.

Is he next to me as I pray?  Across the room looking and listening? Nowhere to be found? On a throne next to his Father? Hanging on a cross? Within my heart? Do we even think he exists?

I have to confess that He’s usually on a thrown in my mind’s eye. I’ve tried to picture his face for years but my eyes have only lifted far enough to see his hands. Hands that wiped my tears with tenderness and compassion.  More often than not, I can’t even lift my face from the ground. Sometimes I wonder why I’m bowing? 

Is it fear? Worship? Adoration? Humility? Awe? Reverence? Shame?

The question posed to me tonight was followed by the theory that we can often find Jesus in the part of our heart that longs to be loved or to feel love. 

Part of me gets that because God is love.  I believe that to be true. But, part of me questions it because our view of love can be – well – questionable.

As I sat in the darkness of the evening and wondered, “Where are you, Jesus?”, I remembered the times that he’s been my friend when I was alone. A warrior when I was being attacked. My hero when I needed a miracle. A comforter when my heart was broken. Strong arms that held me when I couldn’t stand. My provider when I was in need. The savior who stopped me, or saved me, before I made choices that could never be undone and the one who healed me even when I did.

He’s always been here…in my life…surrounding me and walking with me even when I didn’t see it. He’s always been caring for me. He’s always been my grace.

But where do I see him now?  Mostly, at a distance, if I’m honest.  Maybe only a few feet away but far enough that he could turn away if he decided to. 

So how does that fit with my desire to be loved? Am I afraid it won’t last?

And then it hit me.

Here’s the raw, honest truth.

 I miss Steve.

I miss how his eyes lit up every time I walked out of the room after getting dressed to go somewhere. I miss being told how beautiful and smart he thought I was. I miss his encouragement that I had more to offer than I believed I did. I miss holding hands, hugging, and kissing every chance we had. I miss falling asleep on his shoulder each night. I miss watching him cutting down trees and riding the tractor. I miss his stupid jokes. I miss worshipping with him. I miss how happy my girls were when he was around even when they made me mad. I miss hearing him say “I love you” multiple times every day.  I miss how he always left glasses on the counter. I miss how he OVER BUILT everything! I miss how much he loved dogs but never seemed to wash or brush them. I miss doing everything I could to convince him of how much I loved him. I miss writing love notes when he went out of town and putting them in his suitcase. I miss the flowers he brought me. I miss making his favorite foods. I miss eating pizza, drinking wine and having long conversations. I miss how he would stand on the dance floor with me just so I could dance while he smiled at how silly I was.  I even miss the arguments we had because we knew one thing above all else. 

He had chosen me and I had chosen him.  When things fell apart and there was little love to be found, we chose it anyway.

The greatest picture that I’ve ever had of my Jesus suddenly came to my heart. Maybe because of where I am in life but, regardless, it took my breath away.   

There he was…standing with Steve, through Steve, in Steve…on our wedding day. 

Steve looked at me with innocent eyes that couldn’t have known the things that we would face.  Jesus stood there knowing every rejection, sin and pain I would cause but loving me anyway.

Steve looked at me with tears of joy believing that I was beautiful and “out of his league.” (We all know that was the other way around.) Jesus had tears of joy because I would allow Him to love me regardless of every insecurity and fear hiding in my soul.

Steve placed a ring on my finger and promised to love me until death parted us. Jesus carved my name on his hand and promised that death would have no power over love at all.

None at all.

Steve said “I do” and kissed me when my dad asked “Do you take this woman to be your wife?”Jesus said “I did before the beginning of time” when his Father asked, “Will you give up everything so she can be your bride” and then he breathed life into my soul and made his home in my heart.

How I long to live in the knowledge of that kind of love. The kind of love that strengthens me, builds faith, grounds and establishes my heart, empowers my life and fills me with more hope and promise than I could ever imagine.

I think that’s what I see tonight as I close my eyes and try to rest in his love.  I see him standing before me, eyes clear and full of love, placing a ring on my finger and telling everyone that I am His. He has chosen me. No matter what. Forever and always.  I AM HIS.

Maybe I’ll look in his eyes tonight.  Fully and without fear. Maybe I’ll see that he sees me.  Fully and without judgement. Maybe I’ll know that he knows me. Fully and with more love than I could ever comprehend. 

Those eyes may look a bit like Steve’s but I don’t think he’ll mind. After all, if we can know his love more, live from his love fully and  share his love daily, maybe others can find the truth that they are chosen too.  Loved deeply. And treasured above all else. 

What better call and purpose could there ever be?

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

Ephesians 3:16-21

Scriptures taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com The “NIV” and “New International Version” are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.™