CHOSEN

Someone asked me a question today. Where is Jesus when you pray?

Is he next to me?  Across the room looking and listening? Nowhere to be found? On a throne next to his Father? Hanging on a cross? Within my heart? Do I even believe he really exists and hears?

I realized that He’s usually on a thrown in my mind’s eye. I’ve tried to picture his face for years but my eyes have only lifted far enough to see his hands. Hands that wiped my tears with tenderness and compassion.  More often than not, I can’t even lift my face from the ground because I’m usually bowing. Why?

Is it because of fear? Worship? Adoration? Humility? Awe? Reverence? Shame?

This simple question was followed by a theory that we can often find Jesus in the part of our heart that longs, or needs, to be loved. 

After all, God is love and Jesus is the perfect expression of that love.  But, I also realize that our view of love can be tainted.

As I sat in the darkness of the evening and wondered, “Where are you, Jesus?”, I remembered the times that he’s been my friend when I was alone. A warrior when I was being attacked. My hero when I needed a miracle. A comforter when my heart was broken. Strong arms that held me when I couldn’t stand. My provider when I was in need. The savior who stopped me, or saved me, before I made choices that could never be undone and the one who healed me even when I did.

He’s always been here…in my life…surrounding me and walking with me even when I didn’t see it. He’s always been caring for me. He’s always been my grace.

But where do I see him now?  Mostly, at a distance, if I’m honest.  Maybe only a few feet away but far enough that he could turn away if he decided to. 

So how does that fit with my desire to be loved? Am I afraid it won’t last?

And then it hit me.

Here’s the raw, honest truth.

 I miss Steve.

I miss how his eyes lit up every time I walked out of the room after getting dressed to go somewhere. I miss being told how beautiful and smart he thought I was. I miss his encouragement that I had more to offer than I believed I did. I miss holding hands, hugging, and kissing. I miss falling asleep on his shoulder each night. I miss watching him cutting down trees and riding the tractor. I miss his stupid jokes. I miss worshipping with him. I miss how happy my girls were when he was around. I miss hearing him say “I love you” multiple times a day.  I miss how he always left glasses on the counter. I miss how he OVER BUILT everything! I miss how much he loved dogs but never seemed to wash or brush them. I miss doing everything I could to convince him of how much I loved him. I miss writing love notes when he went out of town and putting them in his suitcase. I miss the flowers he brought me. I miss making his favorite foods. I miss eating pizza, drinking wine and having long conversations. I miss how he would stand on the dance floor with me just so I could dance while he smiled at how silly I was.  I even miss the arguments we had because we knew one thing above all else. 

He had chosen me and I had chosen him.  When things fell apart and there was little love to be found, we chose it anyway.

The greatest picture that I’ve ever had of my Jesus suddenly came to mind and it took my breath away.

There he was…standing with Steve, through Steve, in Steve…on our wedding day. 

Steve looked at me with innocent eyes that couldn’t have known the things that we would face.  Jesus stood there knowing every rejection, sin and pain I would cause but loving me anyway.

Steve looked at me with tears of joy believing that I was beautiful and “out of his league.” (We all know that was the other way around.) Jesus had tears of joy because I would allow Him to love me regardless of every insecurity and fear hiding in my soul.

Steve placed a ring on my finger and promised to love me until death parted us. Jesus carved my name on his hand and promised that death would have no power over love at all.

None at all.

Steve said “I do” and kissed me when my dad asked “Do you take this woman to be your wife?” Jesus said “I did before the beginning of time” when his Father asked, “Will you give up everything so she can be your bride” and then he breathed life into my soul and made his home in my heart.

How I long to live in the knowledge of that kind of love. The kind of love that strengthens me, builds faith, grounds my heart, empowers my life and fills me with more hope and promise than I could ever imagine.

I think that’s what I see tonight as I close my eyes and try to rest in his love.  I see him standing before me, eyes clear and full of love, placing a ring on my finger and telling everyone that I am His. He has chosen me. No matter what. Forever and always.  I AM HIS.

Maybe I’ll look in his eyes tonight.  Fully and without fear. Maybe I’ll see that he sees me.  Fully and without judgement. Maybe I’ll know that he knows me. Fully and with more love than I could ever comprehend. 

Those eyes may look a bit like Steve’s but I don’t think he’ll mind. After all, it’s the call of a believer to be the expression of His love to people. If we can know his love more, live from his love fully and  share his love daily, maybe others can find the truth that they are chosen as well. 

Loved deeply. And treasured above all else. What better call and purpose could there ever be?

Ephesians 3:16-21 (CSB)

I pray that he may grant you, according to the riches of his glory, to be strengthened with power in your inner being through his Spirit, and that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. I pray that you, being rooted and firmly established in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the length and width, height and depth of God’s love, and to know Christ’s love that surpasses knowledge, so that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do above and beyond all that we ask or think according to the power that works in us— to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

Scripture quotations marked CSB have been taken from the Christian Standard Bible®, Copyright © 2017 by Holman Bible Publishers. Used by permission. Christian Standard Bible® and CSB® are federally registered trademarks of Holman Bible Publishers.