Love that Grounds Me

I float through the dark as hoards of shadows crash into me. Pushing me every which way until I lose sight of light…of land…of life. 

With one hand I search for something solid and with the other I swat away faceless figures. The disoriented and futile fight leaves room for more shadows to creep into this darkness that suffocates my soul. 

If only I could hold your hand. 

Feel your arms surrounding me.

Hear your voice telling me all will be well. 

If only….I think I could right myself and breath. Instead, I find myself slipping further away from myself. 

Though my heart beats wildly it feels cold as stone.  Though I know the truth of love, I feel forgotten. 

I never knew how you grounded me. How God used you to heal my hurts. How beautifully we danced this dance – once we learned to follow His lead. 

What a gift of grace and hope you truly were.  I thought I knew, but in the absence of your presence my soul knows, deeply, what I only thought I knew.  

In this midnight hour, fear and loneliness and sorrow and worry overwhelm my heart. Yes, God has promised that there’s nothing I will face that He will not walk through with me. And I am grateful.  But, He knows how my soul aches to walk with you. There is no shame in losing my balance at the loss of half my soul. He has been faithful and our love keeps me grateful, but tonight,  I am lost.  I am anxious.  I am lonely. 

But – this is what I promise you because I know it’s what you would say. 

I will stand in the strength of the love you showed me and remember that love never dies.  I will pray with the power and faith that God taught us through the battles we won and lost, together.  I will breath, one breath at a time, until my mind can see light and my heart can feel hope.  I will fight for our family and demand that this darkness leave me and those we love because Christ brought life and light that cannot be overcome by darkness.  I will remind myself of what is true in the moments of doubt and darkness and thank God for those who bear me up.  Because I am not alone.  I know it – even if I don’t feel it tonight. I am covered by grace and I am loved, held, blessed and known. Always have been and always will be.  

And that is the story you shared with your life. I thank you, my love.  For every last moment.