My Life, My Mess, My God, My Rest

I was at Starbucks for 2 hours today trying to make progress on this book we’re writing.

That didn’t happen.

Instead, I spent an hour talking to a young man about college, how tired he was, trying to encourage him and another hour trying to get my computer to work.

Because I’d lost all focus, I went to workout but ran into another friend and spent much of that hour talking about God and bathroom remodels.

So, I came home to paint my living room so I felt like something had been accomplished. Instead….

I received an excited phone call from one daughter because she’d made a new friend at a coffee shop as they talked about relationships, God, church, faith, family and her photography business…

a text from another daughter that she needed prayer because a good friend was FINALLY asking her about Jesus…

and another text from the third daughter that was in an equally deep conversation about God’s help in  marriage….

I turned down the music and prayed for all of them.

I started painting again, but when I turned the music back up, the song playing stopped me in my tracks.

Within a few notes  God transported me back 9 years and reminded me of what I was thinking at the time. He then reminded me of everything that played out since then and wrapped it all up with a few words that left me stunned.

“Love Came Down” was playing and I haven’t heard it in forever. In fact, the last time I remember singing it was one of the last times I ever led worship. With sincerity and desperation I sang it with the cry that it would be true. Letting go of my role was hard but I wanted to worship Him for the entirety of my life, even if I couldn’t sing.  

I sang it again today.

“If my heart is overwhelmed and I cannot hear Your voiceI’ll hold on to what is true though I cannot seeIf the storms of life they come and the road ahead gets steepI will lift these hands in faithI will believe.

I remind myself of all that You’ve doneAnd the life I have because of Your Son

Love came down and rescued meLove came down and set me freeI am Yours I am forever YoursMountain high or valley lowI sing out and remind my soul That I am Yours I am forever Yours”

Nine years ago I stopped leading worship due to nodules on my vocal chords and it was a grief to my soul.

My mother-in-law had just died.

My husband was hurting.

Leading the church was a struggle.

We had lost friendships.

My kids were beginning to move out and I was lost, sad, and confused.

But, I wanted my heart to belong to God forever.  No matter what! It was a hard season but I was bound and determined to pursue Him, worship Him, love Him and serve Him until my last breath. I was going to live a life that pleased Him, and I meant it. I wanted it!

The problem is – I’m not God.

I’m human and broken and weak.  I had hurts in my heart that I’d covered up so well that I didn’t even know they existed. Not only that, the next few years would pile on more hurt and pain.  Nothing like many people experience but enough to cause my brokenness to surface.  It became harder to hide and, eventually, impossible.

My insecurities were magnified in the face of uncertainty and shifting seasons of life,  Steve and I struggled to find our way in a new ministry and communicate and my kids were struggling as well. Intercession was the cry of my heart and I prayed for others a lot. 

But I failed to give Holy Spirit time to search and heal my own heart. I failed to ask Him why I was so lonely, sad and unfulfilled. Instead, I thought I shouldn’t feel that way and pressed on, ignoring danger signs and asking forgiveness each time I reacted with hurtful words, actions and attitudes . Ignoring and trying to “fix” the difficulties in my life on my own and with my own strength was failing me. While trying to bolster everyone else, I found myself  in the middle of the ocean  in a tiny  boat – all alone.

I wasn’t trying to be inauthentic but I was blind to the importance and need to allow God access to my own pain leading to a private bondage of fear, selfishness and pride.  I could do it! I could fix it! I could have enough faith to serve and glorify God till my dying breath! That’s who I was.  A Christian. A pastor’s daughter and a pastor’s wife. I didn’t want to let anyone down.

But the truth was, I was in need of a Savior. 

I’m sitting here in my living room with paint cans on the floor waiting for me to finish what I started and all I can do is sit in awe at the faithfulness of God to finish everything He starts.

The truth is, I can’t do anything on my own.  I can’t heal my kids’ heartaches. I can’t fix the hurt of those I love. I can’t even fix my own pain. But, I can fall on Christ and his finished as he reminds me over and over how valuable, loved and forgiven I am.  I’m not in control. But I am held. 

I sit here remembering those years and the fact that I most certainly made the next few years harder for myself than they had to be by striving instead of resting in His love.

Resting in God’s faithfulness is the “easy yoke”. Striving in my own abilities is what leaves me “weary and heavy laden”.  Navigating everything in my own strength left me exhausted, lonely and surrounded by more fallout than I wanted to admit. If I ever forget that God can do above and beyond what I think or imagine while miraculously healing the messes that I can create – I hope he lovingly reminds me of today.

I came face to face with His goodness and faithfulness as I realized what He had done.  With no help from me.  In fact, in spite of me. I realized that I’d given up “trying.” He had orchestrated my total surrender so that He could move. He left me with no other desire but to seek His face, trust Him and believe that He wouldn’t leave or abandon me. Ever!

Today He had me look up and see what that trust and dependence had allowed Him to do.

You may be asking what words left me in tears.

Simply this…God can and God does.

The question of what he can do or does do may depend on our need.

God can and does move in the areas of our lives that are broken.  He can and does pursue hearts even when we try to do it alone.  He can and does save souls.

He can and does heal.

He can and does forgive.

He can and does pursue.

He can and does lead.

He can and does restore.

He can and does bless.

He can and does strengthen.

He can and does speak.

He does it all and always has.  My efforts amount to nothing.

My desire to serve and love Him till my last breath comes from Him.  The security of being His until my last breath, being held and kept, that’s done by Him as well.  Not by my determination.  Trying to prove myself or ignore my need simply exhausts me and keeps me from the very relationship that I’m meant to have with Him.

He is so, so good.  Overwhelmingly good. Life isn’t always easy but God is always good and faithful.

 He has moved in my life in more ways than I can say. Even now, there are places in my heart that are broken and messed up but He is slowly showing me what they are and how to leave them in his healing hands.  My husband is a miracle walking and is getting stronger every day.  Our relationship is stronger and more exciting than ever.  All of my daughters have found their own faith, healing, purpose and joy and continue to walk through the good and bad of life with more wisdom than I ever had at their ages. The way they glorify God sends me to my knees with thanksgiving.  

He does it all.

He pursues. He heals. He wipes away shame and breathes hope into the discouraged. He makes wrong things right and he turns sorrow into joy.

In all of my conversations today I realized something.  God cares and He sees.  He has always been at work and moving in my life and is in yours as well.  Even when we don’t see it. More incredible than that, He has saved us!

When life falls apart and we don’t see where He is, God is holding fast.  He won’t let go even when we feel like we’ve let go. And, he never will.

We are loved, we are held and we are His. He has done it all and He will do it all.

There is so much more freedom, joy and peace available to us as God’s children if we will simply remind ourselves of His goodness and power, submit to His control over our lives, seek Him  as best as we can, trust Him and rest in His love.

Stop striving.

After all, it’s all because of Jesus and because the Father loves us. Give Him everything you have been carrying today and know that He cares, He sees, He can and He does.

“Mountain high or valley lowI sing out and remind my soulThat I am Yours I am forever Yours”