Frightening Beauty

My daughter sat with a look of wonder on her face as she watched the flames turn colors in the small bowl.  A torn-up check turned to ash in less than a minute. That minute was enough to make her say, “Anyone who thinks fire isn’t beautiful is crazy.”

I could easily fall under her definition of what constitutes “crazy”.  I mean, this is the girl who’s also fascinated with medical procedures, blood, scary movies and books that have tragic endings.  I’m not.  Therefore, I might be crazy. But, in this case, I wasn’t.

“Yeah.  Fire is beautiful to watch but, it scares me.”

My words echoed in my heart for a while after I responded, and I realized that I’m afraid of quite a few things that I find incredibly beautiful. The ocean. Thunder storms. Lions. Tigers. Bears. (NOT snakes or rats…oh my!)

It’s the power that scares me.  The fact that such things could destroy me.  Consume me.  Overwhelm me.  Even kill me.

When I control my proximity to them, their wild nature is mesmerizing and even graceful.

I guess the truth of the matter is that their power doesn’t scare me as much as my losing control over that power.

Sounds about right. Control is a thing with me.

True to form, God took the idea past the point of observation and into the depths of my heart.

I love how our conversations often go.  I have a thought. He shines a spotlight on my heart.  Provides sufficient silence. And quietly says, “And…?”

It would be so much easier if God just told me the answers to these kinds of questions instead of asking me to figure it out.  After all, He knows my soul much better than I do.

Maybe that’s the point?

Anyway, back to all the questions that were implied with that “And?”.  Are there other things of beauty and power that I’m afraid of because I don’t want to lose control? Do I hold myself back from good things, so I won’t be consumed or overwhelmed?  Does my need for control prevent me from dying to myself in a good and holy way?

Yes, yes, and yes.

Love, forgiveness, humility.  Worship, obedience, surrender.

Faith, trust.

The Holy Spirit.

When I stop to think about it, everything about God is beautiful, powerful and frightening. He is the source of beauty and power.  He is the fullness of everything we see and cannot see. He’s untamed, uncontrollable, unexplainable, unfathomable and unavoidable. He is huge. My finite mind can’t comprehend the rhyme and reason behind God’s economy.  How does serving make me great?  How am I chosen but I also choose?  How is God sovereign if man has responsibility?  How am I holy yet am commanded to become holy? How does death bring me life? My words can’t explain the joy of the Holy Spirit’s power. My heart can barely beat in the presence of grace and forgiveness. My need for self-protection is lost when confronted with the truth of God’s love for me.  And still, I fight for control instead of handing all I am and all I have over to the fierceness of God.

If only I had the courage to drown in all that He is. Inching in a bit at a time doesn’t work.  The beauty comes in diving in, head first, in spite of all my fear.

“If there’s anyone who can appear before Alsan without their knees knocking, they’re either braver than most or else just silly.  “Then he isn’t safe?” said Lucy.  “Safe?” said Mr. Beaver. “Don’t you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? ‘Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good. He’s the King, I tell you.”                 CS Lewis