Who Am I?

Who am I? That’s been a reoccurring question lately. To try and describe myself is daunting.  Probably because one description of who I’ve been since childhood is a “people pleaser.” The thought of making a bad first impression or misrepresenting myself is a real thing.  It’s much less a thing than it used to be, but it’s still a thing.

The core of my identity is as a loved, forgiven, called, and justified daughter of God.  Everything else is held loosely in the light and hope of those truths.  

As I type that, I realize it may sound very mature of me. And, although I do believe God has given me some wisdom and perspective that I didn’t have earlier in life, I also know that “holding on loosely” has, somewhat, been forced upon me. Reconciling deep disappointment, pain and doubt with deep love for Jesus has been difficult.  It’s both comforting and scary to realize that everything I am, and everything I have, is available to His will. I’m a woman in the process of rediscovering who I am, what God has for me, and being okay with that. 

I was a wife for 33 years. I’m now a widow at an age in which we had planned to be living out our dreams. 

I was a pastor’s wife for 20 years. I’m now searching for what and where my ministry lies. 

I’m a mother of 3 amazing young woman but parenting adults is different. Their needs are larger and my worry is deeper. SO, I feel like a new mom, prayerfully asking God for wisdom while needing his help to surrender my kids to his care.  

I’m a person that believes in a miracle working God. I’ve seen him do amazing things.  AND I’m a person who struggles with fear and doubt.

I’m the only daughter to a woman that was once stronger than most men I know, but now has to humbly ask for help, (I know it’s hard because I’m having to do the same thing.)

I’m too liberal for some and too conservative for others. 

I’m 58 but I often feel like I’m still 35. 

I’m a person who really loves routine but is waiting for God to “do a new thing.”

Hmmm. Maybe I’m the new thing. 

I know life is beautiful but it’s also painful and uncomfortable right now. I’m still breathing and God is still good so, apparently, we’re not done yet. Even though I feel like a walking contradiction, there are a few things I know without a doubt.

I’m a friend to a handful of people who have prayed me through some dark times. I’m an encourager. An Enneagram Coach. A writer. A worshipper. A prayer warrior. 

I love to workout, read, garden, eat Cajun and Mexican food, listen to music, lay by the ocean and hike in the mountains.  

I like red wine in the winter, margaritas in the summer, and hot tea all year long.

I reread The Hiding Place, Chronicles of Narnia, Practicing the Presence of God and Dark Night of the Soul every year or two. My family is the joy of my life. I love my front porch. And I can be comfortable in my skin one minute and completely insecure the next.  

And one other thing I know is that I’m much more similar to you than I am different. Living half a century and traveling all over the world has taught me that humans all long to be loved, seen and accepted. Meeting that need for others is one of the most satisfying feelings I know.  Having that need met by others is one of the most healing things I know. Walking in the fulfillment of that need through the blood of Christ is the wisest thing I know.  So, I’ll just end with something that Tim Keller said that becomes more beautiful and more true to me each year that I live. 

“You are more sinful than you could ever dare imagine and you are more loved and accepted than you could ever dare hope – at the same time.” Tim Keller