Family Resemblances (or Por que no los dos?)

My niece recently sent me a photo of my Daddy and I from Thanksgiving 2011. My heart had a quick, and bittersweet response. I smiled at how happy we both look and at the pride of being his daughter, but tears welled up in my eyes over how much I miss him.   I’ve been thinking about him a lot lately…wondering how much I’m like him and wishing I had more of his wisdom.  My Dad imparted so much into my life but a few things that come to mind are…the desire to bring a smile to someone’s face who is obviously having a bad day. A love for gardening and for the constant beauty of changing seasons. The recognition that I’m not God so I’m wise to hold my opinions with a loose grip. Also, something that characterizes how I write and process life: the love of paradox. I often wonder how anyone holds onto faith without, simultaneously, having a grip on the fact that God is the master of paradox. It’s the paradoxical nature of so many truths about my divine Father that makes him Divine in my eyes. If I can explain and understand Him, He’s far too small to be God. I find comfort in the beauty of the paradoxical nature of God, of life and of myself. 

But I also like to be right, desire to represent God faithfully and tend to be an overthinker. I often find myself in a spiral of analyzing and fretting over things when my daughter, who was very close to my dad and is a beautiful mix of him and her dad, will simply say, “Por Que no los dos?” It’s become a joke between us that snaps me out of my spiral, stirs a deep love and respect for her and recenters me on the appreciation of paradox that my daddy modeled so well.  (I don’t speak Spanish but, as of this writing, she has literally done Duolingo for 1630 consecutive days. SERIOUSLY!  The girl is stubborn and smart.) 

The answer to so many things is just that. “Why not both?”

More often than I realize, two things can be true at the same time.  Once I realize that, I stop trying to force a harsh line in my thinking and life becomes more intricate, complex and beautiful.  

When I question how well I represent my Daddy, I wonder at my ability to rest in the unknown while also studying to know God’s truth.  I recognize my tendency towards deep emotions that can lead me into depression OR gratitude. I’m aware of my ability to worry one minute but find the stability of God’s love in the next. I see him in my weaknesses and my strengths but hope to grow and capitalize on those strengths more and more. The same is true in regard to my heavenly Father. I long to look more and more like Him and to share the beauty of who He is in the things I do, say and write but I am keenly aware of my sinful heart. I am both a righteous and holy child of God and a prideful and selfish human who is learning to shed my old self so I can put on my new self. (Ephesians 4:22-24) 

That is the beauty of paradox. Thank you Daddy.