Superman the WOD (workout of the day)

“Why do we do this?” That was my daughters’ text after completing the workout that we’ve done each year on the anniversary of Steve’s death. (I never know whether to say that or to say Steve’s homecoming. I feel like they’re both true but people who are more spiritually mature than me say the latter. Maybe “his death” seems to be the more “truthful truth” for me as his homecoming would be the more “truthful truth” for him. I guess that’s another thought for another day. Either way…) Two of my daughters, and their husbands, have been doing our “Superman” workout for years.  The 3^rd daughter is smarter than us and she sits inside seeing how many pages of her book she can read or write in 18 minutes, hence, the question…WHY?

There’s the obvious reasons of honoring Steve’s love of coaching, gymnastics, heavy lifting, listening to classic rock, and just watching people struggle through a difficult workout (if they threw up that was a bonus :)) but there’s also the deeper reasons.  Feeling close to him as we do something that we once did together.  Refusing to give up, sit down or quit on a day that feels awful. And having an excuse to cry and yell on a day when all we want to do is cry and yell.

And then we finish the 18 minutes…we feel relief…we post a picture in honor of the man we love…and some of the grief and pain has been released.

Today we weren’t able to be together.  For the first time in 5 years, I didn’t see my girls on the anniversary of Steve’s death.  I hated it. But you know what? I was also incredibly proud.  They have lives that he would want them to live and enjoy.  I honestly believe God gives him moments in which he can peek out of eternity and see us and, if that’s the case, I want him to see us living and loving well. CJ was camping with my beautiful granddaughters, Della and Anya.  Haley was coaching soccer. Meg and Aaron were recovering from a difficult week and taking care of their sweet baby, Reece. Madison was selling books at a book signing.  And I missed them all. I’m so proud that they all faced a day that none of us wish we were facing with grace and courage.  I hope I did the same. 

But – I am tired. It was more emotional than most years. I don’t know why. Maybe the first few years I was in shock and then the next few I just stayed busy. Or maybe it’s because I had more space and time for my emotions.  I think that might have been a good thing.

Running away from pain is never a good idea no matter how difficult it is to face.  But, God usually shows up with some sort of balm for our wounds when we have the courage to hold our pain with all its’ heaviness.

As I drove home from finishing the workout, alone, and grabbing dinner at our favorite Mexican restaurant, I saw the man who introduced Steve and I back in the 80s mowing my 5 acres.  My mower has been broken and I haven’t been able to get it fixed yet, but there he was…right before the rain…just mowing away like Steve use to do. I walked inside and reread the many messages I’d received from women that have carried me over the last 5-10 years – because let’s be honest… there were some hard years even before we lost Steve – and my heart was overflowing. Then I started working on some homework for a certification I’m getting and I was just blown away by the gracious, wise and loving women that I’ve come to know over the last four months and for the life-changing things I’ve been learning.

YES….I miss Steve every day.  I miss being loved like only he could love me. I miss laughing. I miss just hanging out. I miss dancing with him in Mexico. I miss kissing him. I miss all of it.  But I’m also deeply grateful for the years we had. For the kids we have. For the faith I have. For the friends I have. For the hope I have of seeing him again and the home God has for me in eternity.  This world, and the mess that it is, well…it is NOT MY HOME. Jesus is my portion. He is my hope, my healing and my provision.  Life is good.  Even in the grief and pain.  Life, my friend, can be so very good.  But Jesus is the one who makes it gold. HE is the real Superman that even our superman bows to.